Elder woods

[Sientjuhna]

"(ACALOOMAFALZOO)"

OMFG.

I roflol'd when he was screaming he was on fire XDDD

--

In other news: I'm so amazed/intrigued by this story >< I love Fantasy & fairytales & werewolves and the likes, the story's so amazing... the only flaw is the fact that you write as if it is a (movie)script. The dialogues are amazing (most of them) and detailed and stuff, but the rest of the sentences are like a script... What I mean is this:

"Looking up at the trees to see if he could locate the voice" --> "Christopher looked up at the trees to try and found the person who said that" (or something along those lines).
"(Crack) a sound of a branch breaking behind him" --> "He heard a crack; the sound of a branch breaking behind him" (or something along those lines).

Do you get what I mean? If you write in 'script'-style, it makes it harder (for me at least) to really get lost in a story, to feel as if Chris & co are standing right in front of me and I could touch them if I stretched my arm far enough...

But anyway, my point is: Try to use the 'he'- or 'she'form more then the '-ing'form, unless *someone* is doing something at the same time as when *something (else)* is happening.


(I hope you get what I mean >>; )

[FALLEN_ANGEL]

thanks Sientjuhna i do know what you mean, my mom keeps telling me that my stories sound like a movie script, I try, ^_^
its probely because thats only the second draft, and i should have worked more on it, i'll make sure that the 3rd capter is much better.
the other reason why my first draft of the story sounds like a movie script is because i want to be a movie director. and i would like to make my own movies with my own script, so that sourt of comes in the way i guess, but thank you for your tips and next capter will be better i hope ^_^... and i'm glad you like the story.

[FALLEN_ANGEL]

sorry for taking so long to post Chapter 3 ^_^ but here it is, hope you like it...


(CHAPTER III: Lost and Found)
 
Running through the woods, trying to find a way out, Lora ventured deeper and deeper into them, Not knowing where she was, she called for her brothers to help her, hoping they would find her, but the last time she had hared their voices was an hour ago, she thought she had hared Alex call for help, but then there was silence, she was lost, and afraid, in a world foreign to her. “Why did I have to get scared and run away like that?” Lora dropped to the ground hands covering her face, crying, she was so scared and began losing hope that she would ever be found again. It was hard for a little girl who was used to her family taking care of her, to be all alone with no help.
While Lora curled up and started to cry, she didn’t notice the bright yellow eyes watching her from the bushes.
“Tesk, tesk, tesk, why so glum little one?” said a voice in the trees. Lora stopped crying, peeking from behind her hands to see who had spoken. “Now, now, it’s okay. No need to cry little one, uncle Therm’s here to take care of you!” Lora lowered her hand and looked around a little scared, “Who said that? Show your self!” she said in a brave voice. “I’ll come out if you promise not to scream!” said the squeaky voice; Lora looked around in alarm and said “Why would I scream? You’re not going to hurt me are you?” looking around and trying to find the voice. “Hurt you? No, no I couldn’t do that, why would I hurt a little girl like you?” said the voice in the trees. “Okay! I guess you can come out” Said Lora unsure of the situation, “Here I come, remember you said you won’t scream!” Lora closed her eyes for a second and took a deep birth, when she opened them, there stood in front of her was a greenish little animal like boy, with big yellow eyes, and big hairy feet. “Hi!” said the strange looking boy, “My name is Therm, and I’m a grampline! What’s your name?” said Therm, “I’m Lora, and I’m a girl, human I mean. What’s a grampline? I’ve never heard of one before.” Said Lora not sure if she should trust this grampline. “Ha-ha, of course you’re human! What else would a pretty little thing like you be!” said Therm with a big smile showing all his teeth, “You think I’m pretty?” said Lora with a smile. “Of course you are! Haven’t seen anything as pretty for a while now, last thing I saw was a girl that looked like a cat! Not sure why she looked like a cat, but she was pretty… not as pretty as you though! Na-ah, not as pretty!” said Therm examining Lora and moving a little closer “and a grampline is me, not many of me here, but I’m a grampline, and proud of it.” Giving him self a pat on the shoulder. Giggling Lora said “You’re weird, but cute, why did you think I’d scream!” asked Lora. Therm looked at Lora a little sad, “Because a grampline looks a little like a grap, except that grap’s have pointy ears and sharp teeth, some of them also have short spiky tails. And there very dangerous, they’re hunters. They don’t eat humans but they like to make them scream before killing them, they think its fun! Crazy bunch they are graps.” finished Therm nodding his head. Lora swallowed hard and shivered at the thought of what grap’s idea of fun was. “But you don’t look dangerous to me, Can’t people tell the difference between a grampline and a grap? For one thing you don’t have pointy ears, and you don’t have a tail or sharp teeth, so why would they think you are a grap?” asked Lora, “Any way I think you look cute, and I doubt I’d make a stupid mistake like that.” Trying to look smart. “You’re not from here! Are you?” he said returning the smile. “Not really! I’m from the village, at the edge of the woods. My father’s farm is on the other side, but …” Lora ends in silence and look away into the tree’s from the way she came. “Aha… you’re lost aren’t you? That’s why I’m here!” He said he came a little closer to Lora and sitting on the ground, eyes never leaving Lora. “What do you mean?” she asked. Sighing he explained. “A grampline is drawn by need. Until that need is for filled we can’t leave those who are in need. We travel around the forest looking for need, Our need is to help those in need, otherwise we just die!” looking at her with his big yellow eyes. “You see you’re in need of help, so you called … or you’re need called me here to help you. So I’m at you’re bidding little one. Ask and I’ll see what I can do!”  Getting back on his feet he than gave her a low deep bow. Lora felt even more confused then ever. She couldn’t help thinking how odd it was that a inter species could only have need as a reason to live. With out it they would die, “but what would you do if no one needed you?” she asked fearing the answer. Therm looked at her in amazement, and simply said. “Well we die of course!” Lora looked at him in shock and said “But that’s terrible! There must be something else you can do? You can’t just die because no one needs you!” out raged by the thought that he would die for something as ridiculous as that. Therm looked at her in confusion, “why would any one want to live if they weren’t needed? It’s like a toy you no longer play with. You throw it out when you get a new one! It’s as simple as that.” He said in a matter of fact way. Lora looked at him as if he was crazy. “You’re no toy! And if to keep you alive is to need! Then I’ll just have to need you for life then, wont I!” she said crossing her arms.  The grampline had a satisfied smile which he hide with a laugh “Hahahaha… need me for life, oh my! You have a good heart little one, but do you really think you’ll need me for life!” now looking at her with his big yellow eyes as if waiting for a trait “I can! Alex always needs things and mother said that as I grow up my needs will get bigger too. So you can be there and make my needs unneeded…” she said with a wide smile. “So you’ll always have need, and you can stay with me! What do you think? I’m sure mother wont mind having you in our house… that’s if we can find it first!” Lora looked a little doubtful at the thought of ever finding home again. Therm looked at Lora with amazement and a little shock. “You want me to live with you? Be a part of your family!” he said in a whisper. Lora took his hand and said. “Of course I do! We can play together, and you can help mother and Amanda. That’s my older sister, with the house, and I’m sure father would love some extra help on the farm; we can all be a family. But first let’s find my brothers and then we can go home!” Lora said with a smile hoping her plan to keep Therm works. Therm’s big eyes were full of tears, “I always wanted a family, and a home to go back to.” Wiping the tears from his eyes, he said quietly “Thank you” with a sniff he said in a joyful voice “Let’s go and find our brothers. I’m sure I felt human’s not far from here. Don’t worry Lora will find them; you’ll see, with Therm on your side, we’ll be home in no time.” Therm said leading the way into the dark woods humming happily. Lora smiled and ran after him, “So do you think they’ll like me, our brothers I mean...” asked Therm eagerly “Of course they will, Alex loves anything new that would do his chores, and Christopher really likes green. So don’t worry they’ll love you.” Giving Therm a hug, they continued into the woods in search of her lost brothers. Therm smile grew, giving a last look at the trees behind him, he grinned showing sharp teeth and his eyes shined red, “oh were going to find them trust dear old uncle Therm, will find them and then will live happily ever after….”
A black bird took flight and silent shriek came from the woods, Lora looked behind her, shivered and moved on.
From the tree’s an unseen man stood clothed in black. His red eyes full of hate and hunger. He laughs silently. “Soon all will be mine!”

(END OF CHAPTER III)

(TO BE CONTINUED…)  

[Sientjuhna]

Is he a gasp-- grap I mean? (lol? xD)

The suspense is killing me! ><

[Aquarius]

wow.
sorry, may, that's all i can...say...wow
keep on doing..good job.
....wow

[FALLEN_ANGEL]

^_^ thanks.. and sien its coming soon haven't finished it yet   , doing the last touches ^_^

[UN_LEASHED_DRAGON]

wonderfull its soo cool ^_^

and i liked the na-ah thingy hehehehe  

[FALLEN_ANGEL]

the na-ah thingy

 
..... .....
the what...loooking at chapter 3 again... ... the what.... :

chapter 4 is nearly finished.. so please be patient with me ^_^

[Aquarius]

ok, girl.
looking forward to seeing it. ^___________________^

[UN_LEASHED_DRAGON]

i think now u know what do i mean by the na-ah thingy xD

[FALLEN_ANGEL]

yeah i do ^_^ thanks for clearing it for me sweety

[FALLEN_ANGEL]

sorry for the late post of the story. even though this chapter isnt quite finshed i thought i should post it before i forget about it.. promes to finish the story as soon as i can and post the rest of it very soon ^.^


Chapter IIII: A change in events[/color][/b]

The sound of rustling leaves as a man clothed in black upon his black horse gallops out of the dark woods riding fast and swift rushing to words the even darker castle.
Silently waiting for his arrival the castle stood there covered by the shadow of the woods calling the rider home.
The gates opened to the under world of hell, the rider galloped in with no hesitation greeted by the monsters of the dark, the rider dismounted his steed and rushed out of the dark and forbidding court yard. The doors to the inner castle opened to let him in, no one on the other side as if an unseen force worked with in the castle.
Striding through the halls of the dark castle, the black rider headed to words the stairs taking him to the towers above.
The empty hall was filed with the sense of forbiddances, nothing moved, and there was no sound of life within its walls.
The rider looked around at the walls, there hung the pictures of a history that was forgotten with time, the rider passed many, and it felt as if many years have passed him with each stride. Stopping at a door not far from the stairs he stood there listening to the silence of the cold halls.
Pulling his hand out as if to open the door, he hesitated, “Not yet... Not yet!” hitting the wall with his fist and holding his chest as if in pain. “Soon my love...” he hissed “soon you’ll be free…” straightening up, he backed away from the door, stopping he looked back. “Soon!” he said with a steady voice, walking away and climbing up the stairs, he disappeared in to darkness.

Up in the towers she watched the woods in silences, she saw the rider come back, “it has been long since your return Mallom son of Darkness, I wander what brings you back so soon?” looking a way she went to a standing mirror by her bed, there she stood a maiden with beauty unseen, her long white hair that ended at he thin waste. Her clear blue eyes shining bright with hope and life, her lips red as blood her skin soft white silk, a beauty unseen hidden from the world, hidden till the blood of the last fire demon is spelt… “SHOW ME!” she said in a harsh and demanding voice, “SHOW ME THE CHILD!”  And suddenly the mirror changed into a pit of darkness, a shrieking cry came from its depth as if a tortured soul was being awaked from its sleep. And there in the middle of the mirror an image appeared it was not clear, like a mist had taken over, a mist that began to clear, an image of the woods came more clear now, and there in the middies of the trees stood a girl looking lost, but happy to have company, for next to her a grampline stood searching the ground for prints, “there you are my child, Hahahaha HAHAHAHA…. Soon you’ll be mine. MINE! HAHAHHAAHAHAAHA……”

In the forest Lora looked up, “what was that?” she asked. Therm looked up at her “What was what? I didn’t hear anything! And there is nothing here. I would have felt it. Yes I would” he said now standing up. Lora shivered and looked a round. “Are you sure where going the right way? Its getting pretty dark, and I’m hungry!” she complained
“I already told you that uncle Therm will lead the way, don’t you worry” looking at her a little annoyed “why you don’t site here while I go and find you something to eat.” he said pulling her down to the ground. “Ah... But... You can’t leave me alone… what if you get lost, or something like... Like those graps come what do I do then?” she said looking at him with innocent eyes. Therm looked away and said “Gaps, No graps here, trust me no graps here. I would have felt them, you’ll be fine, I wont go to far, some berry bushes not far off, wont be long, you’ll be ok trust Therm he’ll find a way,” walking away and disappearing into the trees. “BUT…” said Lora… looking around her, she had a feeling she was being watched. She saw a white owl sitting in the tree right behind her, getting to her feet she sat under that same tree, not taking her eyes away from the owl. “At least I have company” she whispered. Feeling safe with the white owl’s presences she curled up by the tree trunk and fell a sleep.
“Soon” whispered Therm watching her from behind the trees, “soon my lady will have you pretty little girl” he walked away to find some food…

       
At the castle the black rider watched from one of the castles many windows, and then disappearing into darkness, he walked away up the stairs to the tower where the fair lady waited. Knocking on the door, “INTER” came the voice of the lady from inside.
Pushing the door open and walking in.
 

Mean while in the east side of the forest:

A sudden scram startled the resting birds in the forest “AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh…….. WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!!!” yelled Alex jumping to his feet.
It had been 3 minutes since Alex woke up. And it took only a minute for Eldoor’s spell to take affect.
“Calm down Alex! Please there’s no reason to over react. I’m …..”Christopher said, “OVER REACT! OVER REACT! OHHH…… I’m FAR FROM OVER REACTTING!! YOU …..I’M… LOOK AT ME CHRISTOPHER! LOOK-AT-ME!” Alex screamed pointing at him self. Christopher had to hold a laugh but he couldn’t help feeling sorry for Alex. For what the spell had done was shrink Alex to the size of a very small puppy, despite the size it didn’t seem to have affected his voice, because he’s screaming seem to Christopher louder than it used to be.
"well look at the bright side you didn’t grow ears and a teal like Tania did” Christopher said trying to cool things down, Alex just blow up and started stomping his little feet on the ground and yelled a little more. Turning around and facing Tania, who happened to be on her back laughing her head off, and Eldoor was examining the fallen werewolf called Louver.
Christopher took a deep breath and picked Alex up, “HAY!” yell Alex as he was lifted from the ground, holding Alex gently in his hand and taking him to Eldoor.
“Mmm…. Eldoor? I think you made your point, Alex is really sorry for making fun of you aren’t you Alex” looking down at Alex who had his hands crossed and a sulky look on his face, Alex didn’t say any thing, he only stared at Eldoor crossly.
Christopher just hoped that would do for an apology, at least for now, Eldoor looked at them and said “sorry I cant do any thing for him right now, you see I can cast a spell but it only fades away in its own time, and only if the person really wants it enough to make the change happen. Magic is a complicated thing you know, can’t take it too lightly.” Now looking away and putting his attention back to the werewolf, Alex and Christopher looked at Eldoor in disbelief –is this guy series- though Christopher, it only took Alex 3 seconds to lose it “WHT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T CHANGE BACK TO NORMAL!!!"

(chapter 4 isnt finished... will post the rest of Chapter 4 and 5 together)